loading the big picture.


all this time i hardened myself to think i don't care.
but what had happened made me realized two things.
first, i did care. and in fact i care a lot.
second, i'm more clear of who u are and who i am now.


but after today, i was more reassured.
this is not yet the right time and not yet the right guy.
it is only through interactions that u can see how a person's thinking really goes.
if a relationship can only go skin deep, i wonder how long it'll last.
two person can only chat and joke. 
have that tingly and electrifying feeling when u're around each other.
is that all that really matters?
through what i experienced and felt these few days, i know He doesn't ever want me to settle for second best.
aim for the best, daughter :)


everytime i let myself slide back into my old perception of stuffs,
God not only speaks but shows me through my interaction with people.
to my future someone that i've not met yet (:
i'm yearning to be that special someone who can listen to your problems,
your endless stories and encounters with God.
your complaints and frustrations.
sharing of random bible verses. worshiping together. ahhh :)
and also who u can freely tell of the little good things God has done to u each and everyday.
and for me, i can share all my boring thoughts to you.
how God spoke to me and random inspirations from the people around me.
i can know for sure u are more than attentive.
a connection that goes beyond what words can express, what actions can ever say.
i want our relationship to be filled with God's presence.
have His fingerprints legprints all over it.
each day of our walk, we bond closer because of our love for Him. not because of the things we can do for each other by our own means and strength.
i believe in childlike love towards Daddy. 
i want myself to grow more in learning to love Him before i can ever love that someone special.
loving Him, such a big word.
and now as a student, i know i wanna give my best years to God now. serving Him with all my energy, youth and time.
and He will let me go through what i have to to make me that someone.
i'm praying for you though i've yet to know you.
let's let Him penetrate into our lives to the fullest and just grasp and imitate that love of His.
focus on what we have to.
who cares about the rest? :p


:)
Daddy says, wait.
till i meet you.

i am thinking of you.


i should be studying.
an important test tomorrow.
but images of you keep coming into my mind.
i reread the email from dad again.
i don't know how many times i've read it.
each time i come to a point that the sentences just breaks my heart into pieces.


there's so much that i don't know.
the things that are happening.
the things that my parents and relatives are going through for their father.
the only one that they have.
yet, i still know so little about him.


all this while he's only been a figure of whom i call grandpa.
a blurry figure.
i confess i cared so little. i knew so little.
my dad may be stubborn, my dad maybe strict with us,
but now i know where he is coming from.
they had to live a hard life, so that today i may have what i have.
scars and bruises. shackles from the past that they just can't break free from.


my heart broke so many times this week that i lost count.
my family may not be perfect,
but God loves it.
in all His fullness and goodness and perfectness,
He still holds us so closely to His heart.


Lord, i don't know how much i can do.
i commit with my prayers.
i believe with all my heart. God, healing and restoration will come.
Lord, help me love.
love with Your perfect love.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Corinthians 13:4-7

#5 i love reading blogs.

it's a joy to me :D

i dunno if it's just my stalker instinct or what but hey! i like reading people expressing about themselves. it's healthy :p

empty promises to myself.


*CAUTION. this will be an emo post.
serve as a read & run post only.
:)




i'm waiting for the day to come when you stop defending.
when you stop fighting.
and i know when that day comes,
i'll hear sounds of broken glass clinking to the ground.
millions of'em.
be it all the hopes, all the bittersweet memories.
this organ that is still beating, as fragile as it is,
i'll hear it break.


i thought i could be wiser,
i thought i could keep to my own promise.


gah, this stinks.

The Master Clock.

there. is. just. simply. no. doubt. 

of His incredibly scary timing.

the incidents happen right after another!

to the point that it's ridiculously obvious He wants to get the message through to me, loud and clear.

i was disappointed.

i was reminded.

i was accepted back.

i was encouraged.

i was reminded again.

and again

and again..

i don't deserve yet He still insists.

He wants to show me.

break me till there's nothing left.

then build me anew again.

God that keeps me growing,

He wants me stagnant no more, and He means bussiness.

i scrunch my eyebrows everytime He's about to break me again.

but He doesn't stop there.

He works.

He is so real and He's proven it.

people that's been in my group of sharing today will know roughly what i'm talking about.

:)

i'd share it over and over 

strip my sinner self bare. no pretense can cover me.

My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, 
because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in. 

^{prov 3:11-12}

^:)

not in the picture.

i feel like stepping back.

i feel like making my way down the stairs and go right out the exit.

it's no longer right anymore, it's no longer the same.

but if it will become where it seems like it's heading, no doubt i will be more than supportive.

you've been a great friend despite whatsoever.

i hope nothing but the best.

two things.


i've been met with a few incidents that managed to make me smile to myself these few days.
that kind of smile that gives u warm and fuzzy feelings inside.






friends sharing simple joy & contentment after a good shopping trip. (what i witnessed while taking the public bus)
a mother feeling proud of her young kids singing & dancing praising our wonderful God. (what i saw while browsing through facebook pictures)




i don't know why but i just can't help it.
feels kind of idiotic but it cheered me up in my 'solemn' moments.
haha.


just a thought to share.
what made u smile today?
:)